Pas De Trois: You, Your Boo, and Your Ex

Pas de trois

ˌpä də ˈtwä/

noun

noun: pas de trois; plural noun: pas de trois

1. a dance for three people.
   
   
   
   

   

   
   

You like them, they like you (so you thought), but you know they’re still stuck on their ex. Wtf to do? This seems to be so common as I’ve gotten older. It’s like you meet someone who seems right in so many ways, but then you find out down the line that they have been semi-unavailable because they still have these tired ass feelings for an ex.

Now, instead of the situation you two have growing and flourishing, you have to dance around a third person with hopes that it’ll fizzle on their end, or that you’ll possibly show them that you’re better than the last and to move on with you. (Whomp.)

This now has become an issue. Instead of a thrilling tango meant for two, this has become a deadly pas de trois, without the elegance and prestige the ballet gives us. You are stuck with a murky outlook that only a horror film could bring.

Let’s take a gander at the major players in this repetitive story:

The Serial Killer: 

First, if YOU are the one who is stuck on an ex, it’s really time that you realize if this is going to be a situation that is meant to be or not. All the “if you love something let it go, if it comes back then it’s how you’ll know” shit doesn’t apply here. You tried, it failed, now you’re just missing the sex and the friendship y’all had. We get it. But you DO know that you can have those two things with your next partner if you just open the f*%$ up and stop holding on to someone else, right? It’s literally been about a year. (you know this is you)

It’s not fair to the new people you bring into your life, or even your ex (or your damn self) to be stuck in limbo like this. The longer you hold on to someone else who is either confused or doesn’t even want you like that, the more hurt and cold you’ll become down the line. You’re killing every new possible relationship; you’re practically a serial killer (because we KNOW this isn’t your first situation like this since your break-up to make-up ass relationship started three years ago).

If this is where you find yourself - constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place when you’ve found someone new that makes you happy, but then your ex hits you up and now you suddenly don’t know wtf do - it’s time for you to truly take a step back from dating for a second (and sexing up or texting your ex) and get some QT with yourself. No need in leaving a trail of confusion and broken hearts on your path to righteousness. This is kind of on you, and you need to do a few things that seem simple written out, but can definitely be a little tougher to enact. But in the end, it’ll truly help the situation you’re in.

You Need To: 

• Be honest with yourself
• Be honest with your ex
• Be honest with the current person (or even people - yikes!) you’re entertaining 
• Make a healthy decision for all of you

The Victim: 

It can be tough to realize that someone is stuck on someone else, it isn’t always an ex, but a lot of the time: it is. If you happen to be in a situation where you are into someone and they seem detached from the jump, it’s not your job to try to convince them that you’re “it". Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. You are walking yourself into a situationship that will confine you and seem never-ending. It’s obvious sometimes when someone is not really trying to get down with you like that, don’t play yourself. If they aren’t answering phone calls or texts at the same frequency and you know for sure nothing has changed about their schedule - let it go. It might not be an ex, but it sure ain’t you that’s stealing their time.

If you notice that their ex still comments and likes things, or vise-versa, you might want to take that into account. It could mean nothing, but it definitely always is SOMETHING. Be careful.

There’s a few things you can do here: 

•  Ask about their intentions with you; make sure you’re even on the same page
•  Find out if this is really a situation you want to even be a part of - are you willing to stick through things and find out?
•  Be true to your values and standards - is this something you can put up with or deserve?
•  Make a healthy decision - is you with me or what? 

The Witness:

Now, we cannot forget the ex that’s all in the mix. They can be two things: unaware or aware. More often than not, a person knows when their ex is still digging them. We sometimes get bored and might hit them up, we may miss them and want to just let them know. Either way, once you have a connection, a lot of the time you cannot let that connection go. We get it. But, if you aren’t trying to truly prosper with that person, let them go and let them be great (or let them be bad all by themselves).

Do not get all on their social media and start commenting and liking stuff as soon as you see them happy with someone else or trying to move on; it’s not fair to the other person or your ex. You really need to do some investigation within your own head and realize whether or not you even want this (you did, after all, break up for a reason).

You need to: 

• Understand your own emotions - Are you just lonely right now or are you seriously in love still?
• Understand the cause and effect of you contacting your ex - This may just be a repeat of the same shit you had before, or it'll just be negative. 
• Put yourself in the new partner’s shoes - Would you want someone's ex to be interfering with your new budding relationship/talk-ship? No.
• Make a healthy decision - is this truly worth it?

In the end of it all, it can all seem pretty iffy on what to do and if someone is worth truly sticking through a messy situation for, but you know what's best for YOU; do that. Understand that your time is worth it and splitting your attention with someone else is never necessary. If someone truly finds you special, they will make the time and effort to be for you and only you. If you find yourself in the shoes of the person who is stuck between two people, step back and respect yourself and the other people; figure it all out. Everybody deserves to be treated fairly and have their heart and mind respected. 

Do Not Settle. 

- Begum, over and out!  ;)

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(c) 2017 Aisha Begum All Rights Reserved