My girl likes to sabotage our love...
- Wale, "Sabotage", 2011
So, I will hit this topic from two POVs: single and taken. Self-sabotaging can happen whether you are single and mingling or already in a relationship; It doesn't discriminate.
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So, you've met someone new and you have standards and expectations you want met. You failed with the last person, and the person before that, oh, and the one before that and you're thinking maybe you're being too lenient, or maybe you're not being strict enough on the things you said you want and deserve. Or, maybe you're wondering whether or not it's worth continuing to even get to know someone because y'all disagreed on something. Is that something important enough to harp on? If you let it slide, will it become an issue later on? Will there even be a later on?
STOP.
I like to think that sometimes we are so used to being single and we think we know what we want so bad that we box that idea into a one size fits all kind of scenario. We expect things to be instant and exactly how we want, and get turned off so quickly and are ready to just give up super quick if we find one flaw. Sometimes this is exactly how we find ourselves pushing people away who actually probably weren't a bad fit, we just keep searching for "the next best thing".
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So, here are some signs that maybe you're over-analyzing the relationship and possibly self-sabotaging your one true chance at romance (well, this romance, at least lol).
1. You're Confusing Your Expectations with Standards
This can seem confusing. This is probably where the "you're too picky" aspect comes into play. I always like to say that standards and expectations are pretty different. They can seem similar, but in the end you're looking at two different things. Your standard is usually a non-negotiable and is something that's almost like a fact. Example: Must have a degree, needs to brush teeth in the morning, clean fingernails. These are tangible, realistic things that someone can do and can obtain.Now, here are the expectations that usually let us down and cause us to be in a rut. Expectations: Having a degree means they will uphold certain ideals that you do, be respectful, and be able to hold meaningful conversation. WRONG. Education can be obtained, but there is no cookie cutter scholar. You were expecting something that a person is not. Ex. 2: They brush their teeth every morning so they shouldn't have bad breath. FALSE. We all know just because someone brushes their teeth, it does not guarantee fresh breath...so why have this expectation? You're only going to let yourself down. Do I need to go further? Do you get it?
You set yourself up for failure when you assume things will happen just because someone has knocked off a notch on your "must have" list. Stop assuming and you wouldn't find yourself in a constant flurry. You're only sabotaging yourself and putting yourself through hell for no reason. Just get to know people and see who they really are and how that goes for you. Don't expect much and you won't get disappointed so often. It's not that you're too picky, but you're probably looking at things incorrectly.
2. You're In Love With Their Potential
You like what you see as a future them instead of what they're giving you. Now, everything they do that they've been doing before is a problem. Everybody is not going to be perfect and you may have to choose which of your standards are more important than the others when choosing a partner. Nobody will have everything you desire and if you aren't happy with what they do offer, then leave. Do not stick around to only bring negativity to a situation and try to change someone. Nobody wants that shit. Point. Blank. Period.If you've talked about whatever an issue might be and it's something that cannot be compromised on, even through trial and error, then it's time to kind of take the L and move on. You can't force someone to become what they, themselves are not trying to be. So, you thought that they would be a better person in the future just because they met x, y, z on your standards. Remember earlier where I talked about expectations vs. standards? Yeah, stop expecting things to suddenly be different just because you came into their lives. And maybe they will be the person you want later...but later isn't now, and it also may never happen. Don't bank on it.
If you walked into a store and they ran out of your size, would you continue to try to squeeze into something two sizes too small even though you see it's not working out? (I hope not...lol) So, why walk to the register and make a purchase on something you know won't fit and never will? (No, don't buy it because you PLAN on losing 10 lbs; never works, fam).
3. You're Jumping Off The Cliff Into Conclusions
Do you find yourself assuming more than actually knowing? Jumping to conclusions a lot? Now, don't get me wrong, there are instances where your gut is definitely telling you that something is up, but if you find yourself constantly making up whole ass movie plots in your mind about shit, chances are you're going to constantly be bringing negative vibes into your situation. If you have trust issues, work those out and come back after you've gotten yourself together or else - leave. Don't waste anybody's time because you will never be able to be happy with someone if you can't ever trust them enough to have their own alone time.
Do you find yourself upset if they don't answer the phone in a certain window of time or respond to a text? Not only upset, but does your mind jump to the worst possible scenario? (He/she hates me. He/she must be doing something they have no business doing. He/She is ignoring me). Stop it. If there is no real reason that your partner would have to be ignoring you and if you've asked them about it in the past, then take their word for it. Are you available 24/7? Don't you like naps? Keep jumping to conclusions and you'll notice you are going to push your partner away. It's annoying and definitely a bad trait. Chill out a bit.
Your trust issues are not your next partner's fault (if they are... welp. You know what to do!) This leads me to the next point...
4. You're Comparing and Contrasting
Bringing trust issues along for the ride from your last situations is something a lot of people struggle with, but, aside from that you truly have to stop comparing the next person to the last. They are two different people. They won't do everything the last person did and therefore, probably won't do the same crappy things they did so stop assuming they will. This also means they probably also won't do some of the same things the last person did that you enjoyed. Stop trying to create someone from clay and learn to appreciate the good and not-so-good in the person you're learning.Not only is it a problem when you're comparing and contrasting to a past partner, but it's a problem when you're comparing and contrasting to another person's relationship. You see a lot of #relationshipgoals posts going around and everything looks great and exactly how you'd want things, but it can cloud your judgment on reality. You forget that it takes some work and going through a few things to truly get to some of those moments. You probably also might see a friend's relationship going great and you wish you could have what they have. You aren't with them 24/7 and you don't know what they go through when nobody's watching.
Stop assuming that what you have has to compare to another couple. It's not healthy and it's only going to cause you to start disliking your own relationship because of something silly like your partner doesn't like PDA as much as the couple you admire. It doesn't mean a damn thing.
5. You Harp On Small Issues
If you know you're not capable of forgiving someone for drinking your apple juice, then ...well, damn. Apple juice? lol. Sometimes people are going to do things that won't rub you the right way and then you talk about it, and then you move on and mend. If it's nothing that's extremely disrespectful or breaks trust, it should be something that you can move on from without much damage. I understand, you haven't had an issue before now and it sucks. You thought you guys were possibly meant to be, but now you don't know because you hate any sign of negativity and you want to stay far away from it. Calm down. It's one problem, no friendship is flawless (yes, friendship). You forgive, forget, and you move on.Sometimes, after a tat we can find ourselves harping on it without realizing it. Every little thing that person does from now on goes into the "they're not for me" pile, when in reality, it doesn't even have anything to do with if y'all are meant to be or not. I mean, if you just want a partner who doesn't drink apple juice, then hey... they exist, I suppose. Dump them and find your ideal juice hating partner. But, if it's something so tiny like "you don't text me back quick enough", please let it go. I know this can be tough, but let. it. go. Stop reading into things that aren't that deep. Stop picking a fight over something that truly isn't even fight-worthy.
6. You're the CEO of Burger King
You want everything YOUR way. Any time you're with someone else it's about compromising. Now, I'm not telling you to overcompensate and lose yourself because you're trying to be too much for the other person. Know your limits. This is where standards come into play and expectations, once again. Don't expect people to be a certain way, but also, do not lower a standard of yours for someone. If you want respect, that's a pretty good standard, don't lower that and think that's a comprisable thing. Some of us find ourselves compromising on the wrong things and finding ourselves unhappy. But, there are others who will NOT compromise on things that deserve a compromise. You're dealing with a totally different individual and they're allowed to like and do things differently. That's OKAY. You cannot have everything your way, that's called being a control freak.Just like you won't change who you are for someone, they won't change much of themselves for you. It's about being comfortable with each other in your natural states. Changing something will only lead to those old habits coming back and future unhappiness. Figure out where you should compromise and make it happen.
7. You're Letting Your Own Insecurities Seep Into Things
So, she/he likes a picture on Instagram and you don't like it. She's an IG model/he's an actor and probably will never even meet your love interest. Did you truly just get jealous about this? Do likes truly mean anything or are you allowing your own ideas about yourself and your self-perception to create a meaning to the action of liking an instagram picture? Sometimes we create a world of problems in our own heads based off of what we are worried about within ourselves and start to project outwardly. You need to evaluate if your issue is really with your partner or if it's just your own demons you're battling. Ex: You don't like your nose and he/she has the perfect nose, and your partner just liked the picture! Great, that must be what they want instead of me.Chill out.
If you do find that you have an issue that's creating a problem for the both of you, this requires a talk. Be honest with yourself and your partner, but understand that you cannot control the actions of someone else. If it is something as simple as a double tap on a picture and literally nothing else like a DM or a follow-up with heart eyes ... is there truly anything to worry about? Do you not, yourself, like pictures just because you like what you see? So, why get angry at your partner for doing the same thing? If there's no disrespect truly happening, then you should really think about whether or not it's something worth stressing over. This is especially pointless if your partner is doing everything right to let you know you're the apple of their eye.
If You Are Guilty ...
If after reading this you realized a lot of these things are problems you have, then you should truly check yourself before entering a situation you aren't ready for. If you can identify your own issues before they plague your budding relationship, then please be honest with yourself and your partner and work on things alone or even together - but remember that a lot of these issues are your own to actually work on. It's tough, but you can definitely fight the urge to flip out just because you didn't get a text back, or get mad because you see your partner liked a picture. This is where talking and getting to know each other really is important. You cannot control somebody else, but you can control your own self.Live life and be happy, learn to love yourself and understand who you are and how you operate with a love interest. Dating can be tricky and a lot of times we also make the mistake of thinking too deep into a relationship that we assume every single one is supposed to lead somewhere grand - sometimes they will, sometimes they won't. Nothing is a waste of actual time if in the end you learn something new and enjoy each other's company. Don't expect so much so often and you might be a bit more satisfied with who you have right in front of you. A lot of the time it's the relationship you probably least expected to go anywhere that goes for miles. Live. Love. Learn.
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