The Double Standards of Dating

Yeah, I lie to you, but don't you lie to me.

                                    - Kodak Black, "No Flockin'", 2015

So, you found somebody that you think might be worth your time. You're sick of the games people play and you've had enough of the bullshit people pull on you, and hell, you're even tired of running your own damn game just to stay up. The drawback? You refuse to get caught up and end up a fool in the end so, you still have to play the game.

The game you want to play includes you doing all the finessing and the other person being as "100" as you need them to be. So, in the end, you can do all the lying and finagling, but they can't. How messed up is that?

Not only can you be the only one who doesn't give your all and keep it completely 100, you also want the other person not to date anybody else. How Sway? Oh, and they better NOT lay with someone else, yet you’re over here getting it in while you can ‘cause you’re “single”. 

So many double standards come into play when the dating game begins. It doesn’t necessarily stick to women vs. men but more so just individual ideas about what self can do vs. what the other person is “allowed” to do while dating you. This entire time, I am not talking about a faithful relationship (you better not be scheming in your relationship), I am speaking on the dating game where you are possibly sifting through a few people and juggling around time to see them all before you make the final cut (if you ever do). 

A Few Double Standards You Need To Cut: 

(But you probably won't)

Body Counts: 

You’re allowed to catch a body up in here, but the person you talk to can’t? You’re going to be so upset if you find out that the person you’re dating (number 3 of 5) is having sex or kissing up on some other person that isn’t you, yet, you’re rolling around in beds with one-nighters from the club and 1 of the 5 in your rotation every other night. 

Reasons why this won’t work and doesn’t work: You never truly give one of these people a real chance if you’re cutting your time like this. 

Yes, people can separate sex and emotions, but not 100%. The reason you’re doing this is, obviously, because you can (they're letting you, right?), but most likely it’s because you don’t want to “fall” for one specifically so you dabble here and there to keep from growing 100% with just one (take a moment and really think about your situation). It is here that I ask you, why are you even dating? 

But, while we are here, let me slide in that if you’re also an adult still ASKING about PAST body counts and judging, you may need to take a step back and re-evaluate your own self. Is your 5 really that wholesome? Is his/her 10 way worse just because it’s 5 MORE than the 5 you have (after forgetting like 3 because they were “accidents”)?

The Starting Line Up: 

In the spirit of body counts, there’s also the idea that you can talk to multiple people and the people you talk to (yes, every last one of them) can’t have someone else in their repertoire. How twisted and selfish is this? You can flip-flop between hos while your hos have to be loyal to just you, huh? (You’re probably thinking, "Yes, Aisha, Why is that a crazy idea?”) You obviously are spreading yourself thin talking to a lot of people at once. People will say that’s not true, but let’s be real, you either end up liking none, or you end up liking one, or you may like ‘em all. In that case, you never truly settle on one, or you end up hurting a ton. 

I’m not against dating around, what I’m against is pretend exclusivity with the ones you’re talking to. If you are dating multiple women/men you should let that be known to your partners because that is not understood. I repeat, you talking to multiple people is not understood by your partner.

 You’re doing it, so why can’t they? Let them explore, too. (But, Aisha, I never told them they couldn’t) By not laying the cards on the table, you allow for them to feel like they’re the only one and meanwhile they’re number 6 of 7 and you’re giving them relationship sex. Bye. Speaking of being honest… 

Not Being Transparent:

She/He has told you that they want something real. You kind of know you want a little something-something real but you aren’t sure so, why not just play this one out and see how it goes? Tell them a few things that let’s them believe you are serious, but not too much because you can’t have them knowing everything. Wrong. Let that person know what’s up. Be “100” just like you want them to be. If they were stringing you along or not being real about what they’re looking for and need, you’d be pretty upset and hurt if you were truly in the game for something real and tangible. 

The idea behind this is possibly the idea of not getting played like a fool and getting hurt. You want to believe that people are genuine and in it to win it, but you know from experience that shit can switch up quick, so you’re trying to play it cool. But, instead of just moving slowly, you’re finessing the situation to work out how you want to by manipulating someone else’s feelings. Just let that person know that:

1. You’re not sure what you want just yet
2. You can’t guarantee a commitment
3. You’re dating around at the moment and your time doesn’t just belong to them

This might seem like it’ll mess up your “game”, but honestly, being transparent allows you to move with less guilt and possibly more freedom. If that person decides to act coockoo for coco puffs because of that, you can’t change how they feel. Let them go be mad and sad somewhere else. Stop thinking you NEED a person in your phone to feel better and just let them be. If you’re not going to be 100, then don’t expect someone else to be or for them not to be able to handle the truth (or be able to when it finally appears).

You Need To Cut It...

You’re just wasting time if you’re being held back by these double standards by enforcing them or even believing they’re alright. If you’re serious, be serious, if not - let that be known. Apparently, according to all the dating millennials, dating is tough af. If we cut some of the bullshit, it may be a little easier. Just go offline and be unavailable if you’re not here to do anything but smash the homies and be an emotional terrorist. (But seriously!) 

Honesty hurts, but it’s necessary. Just go into the game real and you’ll come out realer when it’s all said and done. Stop doing shit just so you can tweet about playing a mf or so you can quote that rude ass song lyric under your IG picture. Do right from jump and you’ll stop thinking the game is so greasy. ('Cause I said so!)

- Begum, over and out!  ;)

(I don't own any copyrights to any photos/graphics used in this post)

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(c) 2017 Aisha Begum All Rights Reserved

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